As nice as it would be, love is not just going to walk up and bite you on the ass this Valentine's Day. If you want to find your love, you may have to do some kinky ass-biting of your own, and hopefully, it will get you somewhere. In today's Valen-culture, you have to do some legwork. You have to get out in the field, research, keep your eyes on the prize and never settle.
It's a fact that nearly 50 percent of all Valentine recruitments are mis-hires. Lacking proper recruitment and selection techniques, millions the world over succumb to sloppy displays of affection with someone who has a malfunction, hideous deformity or affinity for She-Ra. Luckily, this type of annual debacle doesn't have to happen, and if we would just interview our prospective Valentines before VD, we might all be able to give little sugary hearts with cheesy messages on them to that special someone.
The following are transcripts from interviews I conducted while trying to find my own "Miss (or Mrs. if she's thy neighbors wife) Right."
Bradley Werner: Hi
Random Beauty: Hi
BW: So what's with the leotards and cape?
RB: My dad is a sports anchor, and I have super powers that can bend the flux of time to my mere will.
I can bend this fork. (I demonstrated.)
At that moment, Random Beauty ran out of the restaurant and returned with a five-foot by five-foot, one-ton spotlight with the emblem of a Hello Kitty alarm clock in the center. She said I should use it if I wanted to reach her, and then vanished to fight crime on the mean streets of Ithaca. Obviously, she was playing games with me, so I moved down the bar to my next victim.
Bradley Werner: Hi
Nameless Vixen 1: Hi
BW: Wanna see me bend a fork?
NV1: Would you like to hear about the time I trained three albino tigers to peel the skin off of Lychee nuts?
BW: Ow! (I bent my fork and stuck myself.)
When I woke up after passing out at the site of my own blood, the young lady was gone. Upset and disheartened, I returned home and used my iMac to find a cyber-valentine.
Big Wubba2000: Hi
BW: So what do you like to do?
Jessicahotass696969: I like to take long walks; would you like to see some pictures of my roommate and I taking a long walk? Just click here.
BW: No thanks.
Quickly, I updated my profile to explain that I am an only-short-walks type of a guy. I signed off and returned to the bar, this time determined to find her.
Nameless Vixen 2: Hi
BW: Are you in a relationship?
NV2: Actually, I just got back from the desert where I spent three months wandering around with a man named Hobart. One day, I had to cut off his feet just to keep him alive.
BW: So, is this Hobart a boyfriend or an ex-boyfriend?
NV2: An ex-, you see, we ran into a pack of well-trained albino tigers and without his feet, Hobart couldn't get away. I can still hear them peeling his calve muscles from his bones.
While this conversation was interesting, it occurred to me that there are a lot of different people in the world, and some aren't compatible with me. I tried not to let this depress me, because it's a fact of life and there's nothing anybody can do about it.
Some people are for you -- most aren't, and barring the stealthy use of a capsuled psychotropic, nothing is going to change anyone's mind. So if you can't find a valentine, don't worry, it's only a pagan holiday designed to let people who can actually be loved express themselves via the professional prose of the Hallmark writing team.
I was getting ready to give up and started dropping ice cubes down my shirt and belligerently accusing those around me of being juvenile when I saw her.
She had big brown eyes and dirty blonde hair. In between sips of her apple martini, she made cute little smiles to her friends as they sang along with the jukebox playing Cold Play's Yellow. I noticed her red sneakers and the way her pink Ralph Lauren button-down sat perfectly on her. My heart was racing as I approached her.
BW: Would you be my Valentine?
SRK: I'd better be your *$#!@% Valentine; you're my boyfriend, and why'd Jessica say you were IMing her, and who was the girl in the tights?
BW: Never mind that now
(I paused and bent another fork to show off my manliness)
Happy Valentine's Day, hunny.