Wisdom is what we hope to gain from our education here in the Ivy League. Unfortunately, wisdom seems to be extremely elusive and less attainable than a class-free Friday.
Some people see their inability to acquire wisdom as an awful predicament and personal failure, but these people should look on the bright side, at least they didn't acquire a sexually transmitted disease.
When I was getting ready to come to college I was absolutely certain that I was eventually going to test positive for an STD. At that point, my understanding of college and college-aged girls came from half-read health-class articles, stories from my sleep-away camp counselors, episodes of Saved by the Bell: The College Years and the playboy channel's Electric Blue.
I had the common misconception that college girls were sex-crazed nymphomaniacs who need intercourse at uncontrollable, insatiable rates.
I also figured that college girls needed to have their intercourse with multiple partners, often at the same time. I feared that disease was unavoidable, especially because my inhibitions would be so low on account of all the ecstasy 20/20 said I'd be doing as a college student.
With these beliefs, I came to this university expecting to be overly sexed by dirty whores and end-up leaving manic with syphilis induced dementia. It wasn't a great outlook on the future, but at the time, I was willing to sacrifice my loins for a great time.
To my surprise and delight though, it looks like I'm going to graduate herpes-free. No bumps or lumps or gashes or fleas. I was so happy when I figured this out that I approached a few of my friends who told me that they too were not gestating millions of itty-bitty microbes.
One of my friends, however, punched me, scratched his crotch and ran off crying. It was painful, but I didn't mind because a gut-punch beats cheese-like penile secretions any day. Lying on the ground that day I truly thought that there was nothing good about having a contagious infection.
Boy was I wrong.
I haven't gotten a sticker, a lollipop, dental floss or any other sort of recognition for my inability to score. Instead, I've found that society much prefers to hear from people who do wind up itchy and scratching. Even my mom made fun of me for never needing penicillin, and that's when I realized the truth.
People would much rather hear all about having a disease rather than why it's great not to have one.
This would explain why No Doubt's first single, "Isn't life great when you don't have Hepatitis C?" was such a flop.
Personally, though, I think that while it may be interesting to hear someone's wacky genital warts story, if we keep giving people with the plague attention -- just like suicide bombers -- they're bound to keep doing what they're doing, and then we healthy people won't get the attention we deserve.
Maybe I'm being too harsh, but I think people with STDs get too much spotlight. They get commercials dedicated to them, drugs tailor-made for them, health-class presentations that feature them and the respect of all the members of the Hewlitt High School wind ensemble.
Those kids would sacrifice their spit valves just to have one late-night liaison, and those with an STD carry proof of their bedroom adventures. They can even prosper from their ways.
In his book, "So You Humped a Floozy," humanitarian award winner J.J. Fingerblast explained how in the spring of 1998 he named and sold all of his pubic lice as pets to third-world orphans. While all people can't be as generous and devoted as J.J., at the very least, STD owners can charge sexually curious adolescents a dollar to look at their lesions.
These are opportunities that non-contaminated people just don't have. "Healthies" are socially and economically shafted for their lack of microscopic parasites, and do you think that people with the gift that keeps on giving want to give us a slice of the money pie?
Of course not! You see, if gonorrhea and the like have any noticeable side effects, it's that they make their hosts selfish and greedy, and that's why I've found the way to cut in on the disease business.
This Slope Day I'll be selling canisters of all varieties of sexually transmitted diseases. I'll have bacterial infections and viral infect
ions. I'll have Hepatitis A, B and C, every simplex of herpes on the market, and all for low, low prices.
For $14.99 you'll be able to call Grandma and Grandpa and explain how you got scabies. I'll also be offering a "buy one, get the second disease half off" sale. Buy on Slope Day and you'll be able to save big on all-types of namebrand STDs. What better way to say, "I love you Aunt Ethel, Happy 81st birthday," than with a jar of lovable lice?
I may not have contracted a disease, but I'll undercut any disease carrier's prices, GUARANTEED!