I have planned for this moment since my freshman year. I knew that one day, as a Daily Sun columnist, I would spread joy and laughter through our community, and I knew that in order to go down in history as Cornell's greatest columnist ever, I would have to do something that no other columnist has ever done before. After my proposal for a column entitled "The Misadventures of Wonder Grundle," was rejected, I decided to give my readers something even more valuable. The following is my gift to you; Happy Holidays.

When traveling east on Route 79:

When you get to the town of Caroline, the local sheriff often waits on the opposite side of the road near the Caroline High School. He's looking to bust kids going to and from Cornell or Ithaca College, and he will be there at the end of the semester.

When traveling southbound on Route 81:

Binghamton is by far the worst place on 81 as far as speed traps go, and New York State troopers HATE us! Be very careful of your speed if you have a college sticker on your car because the speed limit changes often from 65 to 55 and back again, and I have seen numerous people with out-of-state plates pulled over in this area.

As you approach Binghamton on 81 near the I-88 exit there is an over pass under which state troopers like to hide. Because it sits down slightly and much of the local traffic gets off onto I-88, they are difficult to see until you are right on the Trooper.

While headed east on 17/81, the highway splits into the two respective roads. If you stay to the right, you'll end up on 81 South. Right after the split is the exit for Five Mile Point, and right beyond the exit is a grassy patch on the right. A 95 percent chance exists that an officer is waiting there.

Be alert in the town of LaFayette. Just before you get to the truck weighing station on the northbound lane, police sit right by the entrance and either chase northbound traffic or call in a chase car for the southbound traffic.

Lastly, on route 81, just north of route 380, a marked car will often sit where the speed limit changes from 65 mph to 55 mph.

When traveling eastbound on route 380:

As soon as you get on 380 southbound, you start to see signs for route 84. After the 84 exit is a patch of grass where there have been officers sighted. You're then free for a while.

As you approach Scranton on I-380 the speed limit drops from 55 mph to 45 mph. When you enter the town of Moscow you go down into a valley, and at the bottom of this valley an overpass runs over I-380, where a state trooper awaits to catch you, particularly on all major holidays.

This road, like Route 17 in New York, is often traveled by police cars. However, if you keep your eyes on your rear view mirror, 380 can be one of the most enjoyable roads on your trip.

When traveling eastbound on Route 80: As soon as you get on to route 80 you merge right, and the left lane ends, twice. As traffic bottle necks into three lanes, a marked car often hides in the trees to the left. The speed limit is still 55, so stay at 55, because the middle of Pennsylvania is Deliverance-country.

Just before the Delaware Water Gap you go under an over pass where one copper loves to hang out on the on-ramp. He'll follow you through the gap, get you on the other side and have you pull over in a rest station.

Exit 41 and 42 are heavy ticket exits too. In Parsippany at the bottom of the hill where the speed limit changes from 65 to 55 mph, just before route 202, two marked cars can be visible on the median strip looking both east and westbound. It shouldn't be difficult to avoid getting caught here as long as you increase your speed by 10 mph and not 30.

Be careful around Paterson! Unmarked cars travel around the area and love to nab you, and most importantly, exit 12 on Route 80 is "The Land of Make Believe."

Traveling on Route 17:

This road is cop heaven. The following are popular towns and exits where police and state troopers have been seen actively ruining drivers' days.

• Less than a mile before exit 63

• One mile west of Owego

• At the bottom of the hill before Bath, N.Y.

• Between Chester and Goshen

• One to five miles before exit 30 (Belmont)

• About a half-mile past the Hinsdale exit

• One mile beyond the Thruway (I-87) toll plaza at Harriman, where the speed limit changes from 55 to 65

• Just after the under pass of the exit to Kennedy

• Coming down a long hill, just before exit 100 near Liberty, N.Y.

• On the Bear Mountain exit. (exit 130?)

Traveling on Route 96:

Near the city of Candor you come down a long hill, and a marked Camaro police car sits under a bridge. Also, in the town of Phelps, usually one or two chase cars wait to catch you if you go above the posted limit, as well right after you pass the Bushnells Basin bridge.

For my Boston bound brethren traveling east on route 88:

New York State Troopers love to hide in the trees in the median strip approximately three miles west of the NYS thruway. Be careful near the exits for Chenango Bridge and Port Cranecoming.

Also on 88, between exits 1 and 7 through Albany, troopers sit at three paved U-turn areas, and the speed limit here, until you enter Saratoga County, is 55 mph. While heading towards Albany, watch out for the two or three state troopers who are always behind the Duanesburg exit. Duanesburg is heavily invested with trooper scum!

State Troopers in unmarked vans sit on a bridge near exit 12 and target vehicles. State troopers in marked cars pursue off exit 12 going east toward Oneonta between Duanesburg and Thruway exit 25A tolls. For those of you who feel like speeding on this stretch of I-88, I would not recommend it.

The following tips should help travelers get to Long Island, Westchester, NYC and Boston somewhat safely. For those of you who don't live in these areas and thus, are not aided by my research, I suggest you move. Have a good break, I'll see you next semester on this same page every Thursday, and since tomorrow is the last day of classes, I'll see you on the slope.