I am not a Marxist nor am I a sexist … but I do know that few things make the world go 'round like money and sex. Love has its place in the social scene, but so do pretzels and this column doesn't concern itself with either. Partly because love is not at Dino's, and partly because love isn't as fun to pay attention to as watching other guys fail to pick up girls. I watched one poor soul spend $40 on a girl and her group of friends. He spent 25 minutes talking to the bartender, getting the drinks and delivering them to each girl. When the guy finally returned to the girl he said all of about three words to her.

"Here ya go," he said. Maybe that's two and a half words.

I suppose he expected her to unbutton her pants and say the same to him in return for the drinks, but that didn't happen. Instead, she turned away, and he just stared at her until she was magically seized with an urge to pee. I followed that girl, Danielle, into the women's restroom and took a few moments to see if maybe that boy had a chance or if she had some advice for the male species on ways to get the job done, and done right.

"First thing you should do is make eye contact," she told me. "The girl will instinctively turn away, but if she turns back or smiles, that means she doesn't mind you looking, which means you have a couple of options."

OPTION 1: Approach the girl, say something witty and simple, introduce yourself and start conversation.

OPTION 2: Buy her a drink, introduce yourself and start conversation.

OPTION 3: Do nothing. Expect that she won't come over to you and that you won't get any and then watch as this happens and you go home alone.

"I say, go with option 1 and keep conversation simple," Danielle said.

To clarify what she meant, Danielle explained that "simple" means talking about majors, campus activities or the sport of Volleyball. This also means avoiding lines like "You remind me of my blow-up doll," "Is that a keg in your pants, 'cause I'd love to tap that ass," and "Pee in my hand."

If conversation goes well, and she doesn't need to go to the bathroom while you talk about the things you've found in your naval, that's a good sign.

"Good conversation is the main thing. You don't have to be hilarious, just don't offend the girl," Danielle said, "And if you hit a road block in conversation … that's when you make up your excuse and let your wingman takeover."

Fill the awkward pause by saying you'll be back in a little, and then disappear. At that point, have your wingman stay close to her. Previously unmentioned, "the wingman," is your buddy who has been standing close to you two and who will eavesdrop on her as she divulges to her friends that you're such a nice guy, or that you've got a slammin' butt, or that you're a nice guy with a slammin' butt and lots of little poppy seeds in your teeth. Either way … when you return 15 minutes later, your wingman can give you a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down and let you know how to proceed.

"This is Art of War stuff I'm telling you here. You need to know what the girl is thinking, and the only way to do that is to not let her know that your wingman is your wingman. Don't expose your numbers, and make sure you're timing is on" Danielle continued.

At 1 a.m., the bar lights will go on and you can get a better look at who you're talking to. If she doesn't resemble a pizza, or if she does, but you really like pizza, you again have some options:

OPTION 1: You can ask if she wants to hang out and go to after-hours

OPTION 2: You can invite her back to your place

OPTION 3: You can walk her home and see if she wants to bring you in.

OPTION 4: You use the blow-up doll line and see what happens.

"If she tells you she still wants to hang out, that's what she wants to do."

Danielle has urged me to remind guys that "hang-out" means "hang-out," not "whip out the spray cheese and KY."

"If she invites you to after hours with her … that usually means your going to get some … hence the term 'After-hours Ass.'"

Danielle went on making up terms for a couple of minutes, but I ignored her and started to watch a different girl poof up her boobs and blow a kiss to herself. When I heard Danielle again, she was coming out of the stall.

"If you go back to her place, where she feels comfortable, that means you might get some too." Danielle explained that once your back at the girl's place, she figures that since you're already there, and she did listen to you talk about your love of Mollusks for an hour, she might as well get some ass tonight … and that means it's going to be your ass.

Once you've got that settled, do what comes naturally. I'm not going to give you love advice … who the heck am I?

I'm not super-happy-love-advice guy … I just followed a random girl into the bathroom so I could get her to help men everywhere. You want love advice … find Danielle … as for me, I'm just shocked at how nice the floral toilet paper feels.