For my first official column, I want to present some valuable insight and piss off the right people. You see, for every brave new idea and undiscovered suggestion to come about, there is always a columnist waiting to berate and criticize it. All too often columnists use there 800-word bully pulpit to take other people's theories and punch holes in them until those ideas are either misunderstood or left unable to gain public endorsement. Often the idea could have brought about positive change in the community. Case in point
"Rewombification." I was hoping to scoop one of my fellow columnists on this new theory about curbing juvenile delinquency by placing the trouble children back in the womb. Unfortunately, trying to portray this information positively in my Thursday column before it could be bashed in his Wednesday column proved impossible because of the order of the days of the week.
While it's too late for the idea of "rewombification" to gain steam, I wanted to call out the world's columnists and make sure they understood loud and clear that more often then not, they are not the experts on much. Furthermore, it is their unabated willingness to trash the newest unconventional theory, that is stunting our social growth. It's much easier to criticize an idea then to think of a new one
and so on that note, I will stop criticizing the critics and offer up some new ideas from around the world which are helping to make the earth a better place.
First off, in order to make progress in the war against famine, Kentucky Fried Chicken has revved up its product development group. Some time next month, in an attempt to creep ahead of its Asian competitor's market share, KFC will debut "Fortune Wings." In between the tasty crunch shell and the delectably juicy meat, consumers will now find Confucius-style scribbles fashioned in the wisdom of a southern slack-jawed colonel.
"Wisdom and wit are the pork chops and grits of the personality, y'all."
Another new and exciting creation being tested to help the world understand itself is a wonderful little creature created at Cornell's Genetics laboratory. Rumor has it that the scientists over there have created a small white spherical animal weighing 1.62 ounces and measuring 1.68 inches around its belly. The cute little creature's hard exoskeleton has 330 round dimples, which not only gives the new species a reason to learn to count, but also gives the animal lift when hit off of a tee. A litter of these new animals was slated for release in late October as giveaways at Jerry and Estelle's 56th Wedding Anniversary. However, the effort to bring these creatures out of the lab has been halted due to medical science's inability to revive the creatures after the first drive.
While doctors are working around the clock to deprive these new animals of the power of speech so as to mask their blood curdling death screams, other industry leaders are developing a new and exciting way to keep us health conscious. Next month, a new game show entitled, "Take that, Fatty!" will pit the country's High Cholesterolites against their sworn enemies, the Low Cholesterolites.
Funded by Pfizer Pharmaceuticals, makers of Lipitor, the lipid-lowering agent comparable to human Drano, and Cracker Barrel, the makers of human artery gunk, the games show's contestants will square off in a series of high-energy physical challenges performed on equipment stolen from the set of American Gladiators. All profits will go directly to a band of starving Jazz musicians who desperately need a break. These jazz musicians may seem like a worthless investment, but after they receive new equipment they will eventually be responsible for writing a song to help small breasted women feel good about their bodies.
If you think much value exists in criticizing the plans of others without providing any forward thinking of your own, let me be the first to remind you that without the persons and ideas you are criticizing, you'd have nothing to write about other than the sorry state of your own social lives and/or a little topic called politics.
As for the rest of you who feel that the preceding ideas are nonsensical and without value, my notes from DEA 111 state that "Every valuable creative idea must only be logical in hindsight to regard it as valuable."
Which means that you can't judge the ideas thoroughly until after someone has spent millions of dollars researching, testing, producing, marketing and selling the finished product.
Which means that the cholesterol war is coming and you better run and hide because so help me God, I've got a large block of Sharp Cheddar, and I'm not afraid to use it. Also ... Happy Birthday Dad.